THE ILLUSIONS OF MY LIFE - Chapter 2

 

FIFI’s POV -Chapter 2

All I remember, was red, a color I seemed to be seeing a lot of lately. Nothing in my world had been as clear as the red I had seen for the past twenty-four hours. I was in a dark room with no windows and a full bar in front of me. I was sweaty and I had a bloody shirt on that had a very nauseating smell of blood on it. Some parts of my clothes were torn beyond repair and my face was scratched up, while my entire body had lots of bruises on it. Whatever, I had done to bring me here, my mind was refusing to comprehend or process it.

I must have done something unthinkable, but my mind was refusing to accept anything at this very moment, so I kept drawing blanks in there.

I remembered though that Nadia, the love of my life was gone.  I remember people who had come around me since I came round, telling me the same thing. Gone as in dead, and I could picture it in my head, but I knew it was true. She had been with me a couple of hours ago. We had been arguing and fighting, actions that had preceded our marriage over five years ago. It was something we were used to doing a lot of, constantly arguing, destroying things, me sometimes touching her but she mostly did most of the beating. She loved throwing objects at me, whenever we got into those vicious arguments.  We had history of her throwing knives, bats, hot pan, oil and even the TV. I had only even beaten her once, and it was more in self-defense than anything. We were bad for each other though, yet we loved ourselves too passionately to let ourselves go. We had broken up several times throughout our short marriage and we had come back together only to do it all over again.  Neighbors had stopped intervening in our fights as they just didn’t get us. We were sworn enemies one day and best of friends the next. Now she was gone, and the worst part was accepting her death was from my hands and the blood I know had on me was the badge that now made me officially her killer. Me, Fifi, son of Araba, brother of Sisi, Kojo, Kisi and Mawusi, now in jail for killing his wife. Nadia and I had no children and in a sick way as I sat on the floor of my cell, I felt grateful. Whatever this was, we had destroyed lives by our actions. Nadia’s family will never be the same again. She was the first born in a family with two children. Her Dad and Mom were aged but still very much alive. She was their main source of livelihood, constantly providing the funds to care for their needs and take care of their home. My own family will be disappointed and distraught, especially my mom. I could not face any of them now and I wished and prayed the authorities would not let them see me. I looked around me silently muttering and suddenly considered killing myself. The shame felt overwhelming and I was not sure how to get back from something this big. Once this news broke, my reputation was gone. During our last argument, I hid behind my fit of anger and now that the anger was no longer there to hide behind, I felt lonely, afraid, and alone.

Why didn’t I just quit this relationship when I had the chance. My mom had asked me severally if I really loved Nadia. “Love was not violent”, she would say. Yours is violent and isn’t love. I wish I had listened, instead I made her an enemy and constantly avoided any opportunity to see or talk to her. My siblings and I had always been close but with Sisi relocating to Florida, I lost my closest brother, who understood me more than all my other siblings. Sisi knew the issues I had with Nadia and in the early days, whenever I got into those real nasty arguments with Nadia, I will call Sisi right afterwards. He knew just what to say to calm me down, yet he was brutally honest with his words. He did not sugar coat anything just to make me or her feel good. Naida was also happy to call him after our fights too. Among my other siblings, he was the one she trusted. I think it was because she knew that he cared, not just for me as his brother but for her as a person. He had wanted us to get a separation, live in different homes, reevaluate what we loved about each other. He knew this day could come, a day we could not come back from. He foresaw it and constantly warned me and her about it. We did not listen to him though, a mistake that had now come to roost and I was going to rue till the day I died. The truth was that if I had just called Sisi, in the early hours of the day instead of the continued arguments I had instigated over twenty-four hours, Nadia would still be alive. His words would have set me straight, that I was sure of. I did not call because of the time difference as I knew he would be asleep with his family. Sis was everything I was not, he loved his wife, Sarah completely. She was his world and he would constantly tell me how he could not lift a finger against Sarah or hold grudges with her, because you are supposed to cherish what you love not destroy it. Sarah and the kids loved him back and they were always accommodating to me and Nadia despite our many problems. I could picture Sisi’s disappointed face and that hurt in a way that I could not explain. I lay down on my back to quiet all the thoughts in my head as I felt myself going mad from the depressed thoughts starting to run through them. I blanked out and remained still choosing only to focus on my breath and I suddenly went into a very deep sleep.